Thursday, April 18th

the earth was saturated in soggy rainclouds today. the sky was a sad, soupy sort of grey - the kind that induces feelings of both melancholy and coziness. and the trees - the trees! - they were like huge, strange, many-fingered beasts, looming darkly in the mist. and then the clouds thinned a bit, and pale, watery sunlight lightened the clouds from smoke to silver - and it was like the earth was smiling a very sad smile.

i wonder if i’m going a little nuts. i had an actual anxiety attack last night - i couldn’t breathe, my heart was racing, my chest was tightening, and i felt like the entire world was closing in on me. i felt like i was going to die. it was all triggered by a certain person texting me “hey”. just three letters and that was all it took. this can’t be normal. i almost had another episode today, and i’m really starting to scare myself. sometimes i just want to die. and i’m so tired. so, so tired. i just want to float away and not be here anymore. sometimes i wonder if anyone actually wants to be around me.

worries/concerns:

• I think I just did horribly on my anthropology exam.
• I don’t even know if I actually want to go to Bonnaroo. I don’t know if I’ll have a good time. It will be hot and crowded.
• I don’t know how I’m going to make money to pay for college.
• I drunkenly made out with my friend for half an hour and I feel kind of weird about it.
• I literally cannot afford to eat healthy food every day.
• It’s been three months and my skin disease is still here.
• I haven’t met any boys at college.
• Sometimes I think about how aimless my life is right now and it freaks me out.

February 25th

It’s been absolutely beautiful for the past few days. The golden sun has emerged, the shadows are long and slanted, and the whole world smells of melting snow. But the promise of spring is just an illusion - this is Wisconsin, and I am certain we will have some more terrible cold fronts and snow before it warms up for good. So I must enjoy these nice days while I can.

It is very pretty here, even in the dreadful month of February. At dusk the sky is an eerie shade of deep indigo and the soft, billowing steam clouds from the factories float silently toward the moon, like a dream. The slick sidewalks reflect the bright colors from traffic lights, and the people crossing the overpass bridge are silhouetted beautifully against the night.

I went to my roommate’s house for dinner the other day. She is so lucky. Her parents and her siblings and her neighbors are all so warm and sociable and funny, and they all have such gorgeous relationships with one another. The love and friendship between them is so evident you can just feel it everywhere. That’s what I want. A big happy family. But we’re all so disconnected and none of us can even stand each other. I feel that my parents aren’t even themselves around me, especially my mother. She tries so hard to ‘set a good example’ that she’s not even her real self around me - ever. I don’t think of her as a friend in any sense. She’s more of a business partner. She keeps my affairs in order and interrogates me to make sure I’m not doing anything stupid. If I actually told her the truth about some of the things I do she would judge me and make me feel guilty. So I tell her nothing.

I’ve decided I really don’t even like drinking. I always end up feeling dizzy and sick and gross, and I do stupid things and I can’t walk straight and I talk too loud. I just love marijuana. It never makes me feel dizzy. It makes me feel happy and calm and it makes movies and music infinitely more enjoyable. I hate that I can’t smoke in my room.

My hair has never been so damaged. I need to cut off at least three inches when I go home this weekend.

Tuesday, February 19th

I’ve been strangely exhausted for the past few days. Not because of sadness of depression or any sort of longing for anything, I just don’t feel like doing anything. I feel pretty okay mentally, but I want to curl up with a blanket and a book all day long and I don’t want to move. I forced myself to go to the gym for half an hour and that was pretty much my escapade for the afternoon. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s bitterly cold again, and going outside is rather painful. The only human interaction I’ve had today was with my roommate for about two seconds when I was coming back and she was leaving. Later she sent me a long text apologizing for having Jake spend the night in our room without asking me if it was okay, and I feel bad because I honestly didn’t even know he was here last night and I do not care at all if he comes over.

Well, I ate too much ice cream and my tummy hurts. And I don’t know how on earth I am going to write this paper.

I am under the influence of magic mushrooms right now. I feel like a child again. I can’t describe this feeling. everything is beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. I was in an elevator and the panels with the numbers started turning inwards to form a secret entryway into a magical forestland… and there were living trees with faces… I can’t describe all the wonderful things I saw/am seeing right now. This is the best. I’m so happy I’m actually crying right now. real tears of happiness. i keep giggling. but anyway i was just staring at the ceiling for like an hour and i saw beautiful, colorful mandalas which would then form into all kinds of animals that were migrating together, and it would be beautiful and these animals were my friends! we were all happy friends together. Moving and swimming and changing color, this is wonderful, wonderful!!! I am in a magical fairyland!!! i am here! swimming in a lake full of magical sea creatures and animals!  I am hallucinating so much right now, and it’s wonderful. I feel the whole world living, breathing, everyone is happy and everyone wants to dance and live in tree forts like little children! It’s just like when we were little. I have little friends everywhere - narwhals, foxes, stingrays, running rabbits, dragons, bear cubs, I have so many friends! They are all so little and cute. I am listening to my favorite album - Merriweather Post Pavillion by Animal Collective. It is creating perfect images on the ceiling. I am having so much fun listening to them. The whole world is blooming. I am the most beautiful creature in the world. I am so beautiful when I smile. Actually, I shouldn’t say I am The MOST beautiful, everyone else needs to realize how beautiful they are too! everyone is so beautiful when they smile!! we are all amazing!!

I feel very lonely today! I just want to transcend into my fantasy world where I can pick flowers in the sun, bake raspberry tarts, have bonfires while the crickets sing… I don’t want to be here, where it is cold and grey and cold and cold and cold and I feel like I don’t even have any friends..! Last night I painted Totoro on a treetop. I guess I’ll paint some more today because I have nothing else to do. I hate being so lonely! I wish someone would at least just drink tea with me in a blanket fort, and we could tell each other secrets.

I ate way too much for dinner and I can hardly even move now, so I’m going to make myself some tea and read my anthropology book.

My mom called today and was appalled that I didn’t call home over the weekend - my parents really expect me to call once a week and update them about every detail of my life. My mom wanted to know what EXACTLY I did this weekend, who I was with, where I went, what clubs I joined, who I hung out with at what time… I suppose she has a right to be curious because she doesn’t see me often anymore but OH MY FUCKING GOD, I thought I finally was going to get away from these interrogations but I was WRONG! She texts me all the time asking me all the same exact questions that I hated SO much when I got home from high school every day. My parents literally have nothing to do with themselves now that they are empty nesters! NOTHING! They want to be as involved as possible in my life and it’s annoying as shit because I just want to finally, finally be left alone! I think they want to live vicariously through me. I can’t even stand it. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! HOLY JESUS GOD!!!!!! And they wonder why I sound so annoyed on the phone!!

I just don’t enjoy hanging out in a big group of girls. Everyone talks so much and I feel like the time just drags on and on and on and nothing actually happens except a lot of giggling. I don’t know. It’s so much enjoyable for me to socialize in a two or three person situation.

I am trying to stay connected to the earth. It is not so easy when you live in a cinder block cell where candles and incense are not allowed. I must not complain, though - I like it here. I have my own little space in the world, and I am glad.

One of my best friends, Nina, recently told me about past life therapy. I have done some exploring, and it is one of the most fascinating topics I have ever read about. It all made sense to me, that the same energies are reincarnated through time and space, and the things that we have done or the things that have happened to us in our past lives will balance out in some form, here in our present lives. It’s a lot to wrap your head around, but it just makes so much sense!

For now, I would like to keep a clear mind and to be more in touch with my spiritual health. I am going to start Chakra Meditation classes on the 28th of February, and I am so excited. I very much enjoy the feeling I get from meditation, and it’s even better when you are meditating in a group environment. I want to be aware of all the energies that are within and without. I want to be able to visit more places inside my head.

I enjoy being in an altered state of mind. I enjoy listening to strange music, watching the clouds, telling secrets by candlelight. I like looking at illustrations in fairytale books and imagining things, and questioning reality. I am a very strange person and I would like to spend time with other strange people.

I made new friends yesterday! I enjoyed my night so much. The other weekend, I got so drunk I couldn’t even see straight and I was a loud, sloppy, downright mess. But last night I had such a nice time sitting on Bri’s bed under the Christmas lights, drinking vodka mixed with lemonade and talking about anything and everything. She was so easy to talk to, considering I barely even knew her. I feel like we will be really good friends - we are both strange, and we appreciate the same music, and we have a lot of common thoughts and opinions. I met her friend Alex too, and we all talked about music and Marilyn Manson. We smoked a bowl out in the frozen streets and I felt so calm and happy and sleepy. I am so glad that I have found people I really like. When we do mushrooms together, I hope they will want it to be a spiritual experience more so than a recreational one, because I would like to listen to Celtic music and burn incense and look at the stars.