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whitewashed
I live in a cold grey sea. This is my ocean diary.

we had a bonfire with daniel. it was fun. and beautiful and warm. the stars were out. we drank margaritas. they were made of peaches and strawberries and mangoes. they still tasted of tequila though. i hate alcohol. we smoked weed a lot. we’ve smoked more than an eighth in the past couple of days. 2? 3? time passes strangely here. i don’t even remember what i did today. picked blackberries by the creek. weeded. looked for four leaf clovers. ate chinese food and regretted it. left my leftovers at the laundromat on top of a washing machine. people-watched outside the laundromat. sketchy looking people. samantha and i walked to tj maxx. the sun was setting. the street was golden almost dusk. the mountains and the sky were really pretty. chris is coming to get me in a week. i am excited to be with him and to explore. but i like it here too. everything is nice. i feel like i am learning a lot. i learn so much from the people i meet. i love exploring. i love drifting like this. i don’t like school, but i like having a limitation on my wandering. for now at least. i don’t want to get too disconnected or carried away. i hate madison so much. it’s just not the place i want to be. but i’ll stick through another semester, and then i’ll go to tanzania for the spring. and i’ll explore all the time. i’m excited. i just hate needing people. no that’s not true. i like to need and be needed, but i hate having a relationship give me doubts about doing all the things i want to do. like do i want to be separated from this person for 4 months while i go and travel. well i don’t know. i feel like i don’t actually need anyone. i just let them need me, actually. i don’t know. i’m too independent to need anyone for long. maybe that will change. who knows. anyway now i am drinking peppermint tea. i am stoned and content. this is the best sativa i’ve ever smoked. 

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july 2nd

today it was 55 degrees, and it is july. i can’t complain though, because i get tired and angry in the heat. i only have four nights left of working summerfest. i enjoy my job, but i’m so glad summerfest is only eleven days. things get a little hectic. my fingernails are all ripped from opening so many beer cans.

i’ve been spending a lot of time with chris. he’s really great. i don’t think i’m just trying too hard to see the good in him, like i did with morgan. i think he’s legitimately funny. all we do is laugh when we’re together. i think he’s incredibly sweet. when he picked me up from the shuttle stop, he had a bag of milky ways waiting for me in the glove box. he always surprises me. always. one time he took me upstairs and led me into the bathroom and there were candles and rose petals strewn all over the counter and the floor. i think what i like about him most is that he does what he says he is going to do. always. he just does what he wants. he wanted to get fit and so he learned how to cook delicious food and he started working out a bunch and now he’s built like a house. i love kissing him. i love cuddling with him. i love waking up next to him. i love when he cooks me food. i love watching american horror story with him. and other movies too. he is just so funny. i love that he doesn’t take things seriously. i love how we mess with people together. he agrees with me that most people at madison are just basic bitches. he gets it. he doesn’t need drugs to have a good time. he doesn’t drink, and i don’t really either i guess. it’s great. i love being sober with him, and i feel like i was never really sober around morgan.

i spent two nights in a row at his house. the first night there was a big thunderstorm. i told him we had to go outside and run around in it, and i think he thought i was a bit nuts. but i made him go with me. we ran around in the rain and ran barefoot through a field and watched the lightning and kissed in the rain and it was adrenaline-filled and awesome. the second night we watched sweeney todd and did acid. it was fun. we just cuddled in his bed and listened to animal collective and the avalanches. it was euphoric and colorful and wonderful and amazing. then we started coming down, and i felt weird and twitchy. dirty, like i wanted to scratch off all my skin. my mouth felt so metallic and i started seeing weird things in my mind’s eye. it felt like everything was made of computer keys - like old grey computer keys, from an old microsoft keyboard. i have no idea how to describe how i was envisioning the world, but the adjectives that come to mind are grey, plastic, elephant, deflated, discarded, dusty. it was just odd. i hated the jittery feeling. and everything was melting, too. we went for a walk out in the rain but the road looked like it was being swallowed and i felt like all the houses were made of cardboard. we went out and smoked weed in his backyard but it didn’t do much of anything. so we went back inside. i tried to distract myself by telling chris stories. i told him the lord kake story and a bunch of bolivia stories. i don’t know what it is about me coming down from acid, but i am really hilarious. i tell the best stories. we laughed a lot. we laughed so hard we cried. he told me about his life as a drug lord. fortunately i don’t think his comedown was as icky as mine. i don’t think i’ll do acid again. the high is really fun, but it seems like a dream afterward. it never feels real. my comedowns are always so unpleasant. i was glad i was with chris. he made me feel safe, and less lonely. i mean, i had a fun acid trip. i loved feeling the music. it sounded like it was coming out of my own mind. it felt three dimensional. i loved kissing chris. it felt like i was tasting colors. i just don’t know. i want to try shrooms with him.

i wonder if he is in love with me. i think he might be. we are in that stage where we cannot keep our hands off of each other. i asked him if i was the weirdest person he’d ever met and he said yes. i guess i am pretty weird. there’s just no one quite like me. “i am so happy we met”, he said to me with a happy grin. i love the way he just looks at me and smiles.

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ahhhhhhhh my coworker walked me home and gave me a birthday present and I can’t breathe and he is so nice to me and he gets all shy around me and we have the same sense of humor and we are going to a concert tomorrow and he is a convicted felon and I am so confuse about my feelings my god

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angry letter

Afficher davantage

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first edm concert

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thoughts

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april 12

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april 6th

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March 29th

I cannot control my mood swings and it is driving me INSANE. My God. I hate myself so much right now. I hate my brain. I just don’t know how to feel about anything. Morgan was telling me about how absolutely hopelessly in love with me he is and I was overwhelmed and I really don’t think I love him as much as he loves me, in fact I know I don’t. I’m not even positive I’m in love with him. The thought crosses my mind all the time, “I don’t think I’m actually in love with him, I don’t think this is going to last, I’m going to be the one to end this eventually” but I feel so awful thinking those things because I want to be here for him, I like the feeling of his arms around me, I like waking up next to him. But maybe I’m just in love with being loved. And that makes me hate myself. Everything feel so fake right now. I hate it! I feel like I’m floating in a limbo. Yesterday I was so angry for absolutely no reason, I was just thinking about our last night together on spring break and how he drank three quarters of a bottle of vodka and got all drunk and obnoxious and it was just the two of us and he fell asleep while we were having sex and wouldn’t fucking wake up for three and a half hours. I was just so angry about that, even though I should have gotten over it by now, but it was all I could think about all day and I kept making myself angrier and angrier and then I couldn’t figure out my physics homework and that made me angry and then I had to write that fucking reading response that I had been putting off for weeks and that made me angry and I was just so ANGRY, a feeling that I don’t experience often. And then he came all the way here and I was in a horrible mood and he had to sit there while I wrote my reading response and I was so fucking angry and I just couldn’t get out of my mood. He’s never seen me that pissed off before, and I think I made him really upset. I took him to the forest and we explored and looked at fungi and moss and leaves and all this stuff but I was just so short-tempered and horrible and non-communicative and I just couldn’t make my bad mood go away no matter what I thought about. Eventually he just sat on a boulder and rested his face on his knees and put in headphones and I sat next to him and didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say. I just felt so bad but I couldn’t stop being pissed off at everything. He was really upset. I apologized for being such a fuck but he was already upset, and there wasn’t a lot I could do about it. GOD I hate myself so much. We got stoned underneath the limnology building and he was telling me about TV shows and movies like he always does. That’s something I don’t know how to feel about. He gets so into his TV shows - he’ll start talking about an episode and explain it from beginning to end in detail, and I just don’t CARE. I don’t care about this TV show that I’ve never seen or heard of. But he just goes on and on explaining it and I can’t exactly tell him, “that’s nice but I didn’t follow anything you said and I don’t care”. I just hate this so much because when we were in DC together we never ran out of things to talk about and I had so much fun with him and there were such good vibes the whole time. And now I’m just the WORST person to be around. I feel so disconnected. I feel like I’m not even real. One day I’m on top of the world and I’m so happy and excited about the future and the next day I’m like THIS - horrible and depressed and like there is no place in the entire world where I belong. Why must I be so high and low, so black and white, such an AWFUL FUCKING HUMAN.

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