Today there was mist in the air. Soft, white mist that swallowed up the top of the Capitol building. Campus looked so pale and fresh. I could reach up and touch the clouds.
I miss so many people. I am going home again this weekend, and I’m going to see Aaron. We’re going to spend an entire day together. I can’t wait. It will be the best day ever. I wish I could see him more than twice a month. All I really want to do is share a joint with him and then cuddle in my bed together, and then go for a drive. I am so happy whenever I am with him.
I don’t care about anything at this point in the school year. Yesterday, I waited until 4 pm to start writing a twelve page story that was due at 6 pm. I’d already had 6 days to write it. I stayed up until 4 in the morning and I still didn’t finish. I downed 1/3 liter of red wine and smoked a bowl directly before I went to work. I was literally drunk and high at work. I feel like this means I have a problem. I can’t tell if my customers at work honestly think I’m funny or if they’re just so like “what the fuck are you on” that they laugh at everything I say. Maybe both. Sometimes I can’t understand why I feel so impulsive and loopy all the time. It’s such a strange feeling. Sometimes I have so much energy and I end up doing and saying completely ridiculous things. I don’t really mean to. It just sort of happens.Permalien Classé dans: thoughts
- driving down lilly road over the summer with aaron as it got dark. we went to butler and drove around and found a park but we were too scared to light up in the parking lot. it was a perfect summer night
- riding my bike around the boardwalk in mitchell park as the sun was setting.
- drinking pbr with aaron at mary knoll park. the darkening sky was so beautiful that night. the clouds were so lovely. aaron didn’t know when my birthday was
- the night boat ride down the seine in Paris. It was so fucking cold. The lights were so pretty. The Eiffel Tower glittered. we were all too fucking cold to pay attention to anything the tour guide was saying.
- that sunday in tiquipaya when I had a picnic with Dani and Juana and Alejandro in the shade and we ate beef and rice and then worked in the field and i helped Dani push the wheelbarrow and it was so hot out
- when we drew all those chalk drawings on my driveway with aaron and angie and amanda and gaëlle and julien and then made a cake with rainbow frosting
i miss washington dc. this month, october, would be the time of my annual girls weekend over there. i miss walking around grandma’s neighborhood in the fall. i want to ride the subway and go to starbucks on wisconsin avenue. this time of year in seventh grade was the first time i ever went to starbucks and i got a pumpkin spice latte and it was delicious. i miss a lot of things about those weekends.Permalien Classé dans: thoughts
when i’m actually with people i never give a thought to how i come across to them, but later when i’m alone i think about how they perceive me. what sort impression do people get? do they think i’m a little loopy? they must. i feel like quite a few of my friends think i’m a messy, forgetful, mentally unstable drug fiend. at least that’s what i imagine them saying about me.
i think what scares me about other people is that they can be so not genuine. superficial people really freak me out. like, when i’m talking to someone and thinking, is there even a real person with real feelings in there? with some people, i wonder. but you know, i am much less scared of people than i was last semester. i’m not afraid to say hi to people who might not remember me because we hung out once. i talk to people at work a LOT, and i’ve actually made friends there. i think i’m doing pretty okay. but still, when it comes to making really genuine friends, it’s still so hard for me to form those relationships. i have trouble finding people i’m really interested in.Permalien Classé dans: thoughts
rain today. sweet gentle rain. soft sky. the leaves are beginning to change. it smells like fall. yesterday i walked aimlessly for a long time all the way across the drizzly campus. i explored the microbial sciences building and then i sat on a bench outside in the chilly breeze and attempted to read my environmental book. the air felt so fresh against my skin. there is a giant tree outside microbial sciences and it is the most wonderful tree i have ever laid eyes upon. i think about climbing it every time i pass by, but for some reason i never do.
i barely ever go running anymore. i feel a lot less muscular. actually, i look skinnier, which is sort of nice i guess, but i miss running sometimes. if i was still in high school, i would be running cross country right now. god, i miss that. i miss running with my friends through autumnal woodlands and eating freeze pops in the parking lot and cramming into the ice bath and screaming at people to sprint to the finish line at races.
days like today make me want to crawl into bed and hibernate indefinitely. i want to take a break from living. i feel so unwanted sometimes. lately, i’ve been feeling ignored by so many people i am close to. i guess i just want attention, is what it comes down to. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling that way. everyone wants to be wanted, right? i want someone to put their arms around my waist and tell me i’m beautiful. i want to be kissed. i want to be kissed under the stars. I want to fall asleep in someone’s arms. i want to feel someone’s body against mine. i’m so tired of wishing.
bri has stopped talking to me and i have no idea why, and i’m not sure if chris actually wants to be my friend anymore, and i am not sure if aaron wants to be my friend, and basically, i feel incredibly friendless. i don’t understand what is wrong with me and why people don’t want to make time for me because i literally always make time for people i care about.
i almost want to go home again but i have to work at the dining hall. i really like working there. i enjoy talking to the people i work with. there is this cute guy who comes to my register every time i’m there, and every time i work at the coffeehouse he comes and gets something stupid like an apple or a regular cup of coffee, and he always says hi to me, so i wonder what’s up with that. he’s pretty cute.Permalien Classé dans: thoughts
but seriously, why won’t aaron talk to me? i feel that cutting me out of his life has more to do with his problems than it has to do with me as a person, but sometimes i can’t help but wonder if i did something wrong. i feel sad. i was going to see him tonight. and he said he had to work. and i had to use his little brother as a messenger. and i think his little brother only talks to me to get smoking supplies and drugs.
i feel extraordinarily isolated and extremely off balance. i feel like little volcanoes are erupting inside my brain and it’s making me incredibly crazy. i don’t know if being alone is making it better or worse. there’s no one in real life i feel like i can talk to right now.
sometimes i just don’t want to do it anymore. i don’t want to be around freshmen. i don’t want to live in a dorm where i can’t smoke or burn incense or get a moment to myself. today i felt like if i didn’t get out of there i was going to seriously go insane and probably die. i was so sad and vacant and dreamy on the ride home while i listened to radical face and the national. and when i got home i was jubilant. and now i’m sad again and i don’t feel like myself at all. i don’t even know what is happening to my brain. today seems like it happened in two days instead of one.
i wonder what is wrong with me because it’s definitely something.Permalien Classé dans: thoughts