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whitewashed
I live in a cold grey sea. This is my ocean diary.

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things he said to me this weekend

  • you’re an amazing girlfriend
  • you mean the world to me Kate
  • i’d do anything for you
  • i’m so happy i found you
  • you’re really beautiful
  • you’re so pretty. i still can’t believe it sometimes
  • you are really sexy. especially when you want to be.
  • i love you so much
  • i love taking naps with you
  • "what are you thinking about?" "just how much I love you"
  • i hate to see you upset
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September 14th

I had the most glorious weekend. Chris and I went to see Mimosa at Segredos. It was amazing. I can’t really describe how much I enjoy EDM shows. They’re just so freeing. I love to dance and feel the music flow through me. It’s so liberating. People keep telling me I am a really good dancer. This drunk girl told me I was SUUUUPERRR gorgeous.

I just love Chris so much. I really do. We spent the whole day together yesterday - we ate breakfast and walked around in the sun and smoked weed and watched TV and cuddled and took a nap and walked in the sun some more and smoked some more weed and watched movies and cuddled some more. I am so in love with him I don’t even know what to do. We’re so goofy together. He’s like my best friend. The way he looks at me… I can never stop thinking about him. I love him so much.

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September 6th

I don’t know what is going on. I have that same in-the-back-of-my-head feeling that I did with Morgan, that it just won’t work between Chris and me. I don’t know what it is. When I’m with him, I love being with him. But when I’m alone, I just feel a little weird. He’s still such a bad kisser. And he’s an asshole. Not to me, but to other people he is. He’s very sweet to me. But I just feel weird.

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we had a bonfire with daniel. it was fun. and beautiful and warm. the stars were out. we drank margaritas. they were made of peaches and strawberries and mangoes. they still tasted of tequila though. i hate alcohol. we smoked weed a lot. we’ve smoked more than an eighth in the past couple of days. 2? 3? time passes strangely here. i don’t even remember what i did today. picked blackberries by the creek. weeded. looked for four leaf clovers. ate chinese food and regretted it. left my leftovers at the laundromat on top of a washing machine. people-watched outside the laundromat. sketchy looking people. samantha and i walked to tj maxx. the sun was setting. the street was golden almost dusk. the mountains and the sky were really pretty. chris is coming to get me in a week. i am excited to be with him and to explore. but i like it here too. everything is nice. i feel like i am learning a lot. i learn so much from the people i meet. i love exploring. i love drifting like this. i don’t like school, but i like having a limitation on my wandering. for now at least. i don’t want to get too disconnected or carried away. i hate madison so much. it’s just not the place i want to be. but i’ll stick through another semester, and then i’ll go to tanzania for the spring. and i’ll explore all the time. i’m excited. i just hate needing people. no that’s not true. i like to need and be needed, but i hate having a relationship give me doubts about doing all the things i want to do. like do i want to be separated from this person for 4 months while i go and travel. well i don’t know. i feel like i don’t actually need anyone. i just let them need me, actually. i don’t know. i’m too independent to need anyone for long. maybe that will change. who knows. anyway now i am drinking peppermint tea. i am stoned and content. this is the best sativa i’ve ever smoked. 

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july 2nd

today it was 55 degrees, and it is july. i can’t complain though, because i get tired and angry in the heat. i only have four nights left of working summerfest. i enjoy my job, but i’m so glad summerfest is only eleven days. things get a little hectic. my fingernails are all ripped from opening so many beer cans.

i’ve been spending a lot of time with chris. he’s really great. i don’t think i’m just trying too hard to see the good in him, like i did with morgan. i think he’s legitimately funny. all we do is laugh when we’re together. i think he’s incredibly sweet. when he picked me up from the shuttle stop, he had a bag of milky ways waiting for me in the glove box. he always surprises me. always. one time he took me upstairs and led me into the bathroom and there were candles and rose petals strewn all over the counter and the floor. i think what i like about him most is that he does what he says he is going to do. always. he just does what he wants. he wanted to get fit and so he learned how to cook delicious food and he started working out a bunch and now he’s built like a house. i love kissing him. i love cuddling with him. i love waking up next to him. i love when he cooks me food. i love watching american horror story with him. and other movies too. he is just so funny. i love that he doesn’t take things seriously. i love how we mess with people together. he agrees with me that most people at madison are just basic bitches. he gets it. he doesn’t need drugs to have a good time. he doesn’t drink, and i don’t really either i guess. it’s great. i love being sober with him, and i feel like i was never really sober around morgan.

i spent two nights in a row at his house. the first night there was a big thunderstorm. i told him we had to go outside and run around in it, and i think he thought i was a bit nuts. but i made him go with me. we ran around in the rain and ran barefoot through a field and watched the lightning and kissed in the rain and it was adrenaline-filled and awesome. the second night we watched sweeney todd and did acid. it was fun. we just cuddled in his bed and listened to animal collective and the avalanches. it was euphoric and colorful and wonderful and amazing. then we started coming down, and i felt weird and twitchy. dirty, like i wanted to scratch off all my skin. my mouth felt so metallic and i started seeing weird things in my mind’s eye. it felt like everything was made of computer keys - like old grey computer keys, from an old microsoft keyboard. i have no idea how to describe how i was envisioning the world, but the adjectives that come to mind are grey, plastic, elephant, deflated, discarded, dusty. it was just odd. i hated the jittery feeling. and everything was melting, too. we went for a walk out in the rain but the road looked like it was being swallowed and i felt like all the houses were made of cardboard. we went out and smoked weed in his backyard but it didn’t do much of anything. so we went back inside. i tried to distract myself by telling chris stories. i told him the lord kake story and a bunch of bolivia stories. i don’t know what it is about me coming down from acid, but i am really hilarious. i tell the best stories. we laughed a lot. we laughed so hard we cried. he told me about his life as a drug lord. fortunately i don’t think his comedown was as icky as mine. i don’t think i’ll do acid again. the high is really fun, but it seems like a dream afterward. it never feels real. my comedowns are always so unpleasant. i was glad i was with chris. he made me feel safe, and less lonely. i mean, i had a fun acid trip. i loved feeling the music. it sounded like it was coming out of my own mind. it felt three dimensional. i loved kissing chris. it felt like i was tasting colors. i just don’t know. i want to try shrooms with him.

i wonder if he is in love with me. i think he might be. we are in that stage where we cannot keep our hands off of each other. i asked him if i was the weirdest person he’d ever met and he said yes. i guess i am pretty weird. there’s just no one quite like me. “i am so happy we met”, he said to me with a happy grin. i love the way he just looks at me and smiles.

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ahhhhhhhh my coworker walked me home and gave me a birthday present and I can’t breathe and he is so nice to me and he gets all shy around me and we have the same sense of humor and we are going to a concert tomorrow and he is a convicted felon and I am so confuse about my feelings my god

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angry letter

Afficher davantage

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first edm concert

Afficher davantage

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thoughts

Afficher davantage

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