People perceive me as a drug freak. It’s odd because people I don’t even KNOW perceive me that way. Like, Amanda was hanging out with her friends on the second floor and some guy was like, “isn’t your roommate the one who’s on acid all the time?” Or last night I went to a party at Corinne’s house and her roommate Beth was like, “So I’ve heard you do a lot of… stuff. Like… what’s acid like?” or my supervisor at work said “I don’t judge Kate while she’s at work… I just judge her because of what she does outside of work” and raised his eyebrows at me. Or every time I see Tamur he’s like “are you high Lord Kake?” People ask me that question a lot actually. My RA always gives me scathing looks when I come back to the dorm late at night, and Katie from our floor was like “do you have a lighter? cause I thought you’d be the best person to ask” and Cat was like “I wanna try a pot brownie and I figured you would know where to get them” and I don’t really even TALK to these people. It’s just… I don’t know, I feel like people get the wrong idea about me, that all I ever do or talk about is drugs, and that’s so untrue, but I also kind of like it because it makes me feel mysterious and dangerous to some degree and I like that. But it’s mostly just off-putting.Permalien Classé dans: thoughts
i can’t get you off my mind. i want to cuddle with you in my bed all day long. i want to kiss you on your cheek, and your forehead, and your nose, and your lips. i want to kiss you hard. really hard. i want you to hold me tight in your arms. i want you to stroke my hair. i want you to run your hands all over me. i want you to pull me close. i want you to bite my neck. i want you to pin me down. i want you to pin me up against a wall. i want you to pull my hair. i want to fall asleep with you. i want you to hold me while we sleep. i want you so much. you’re so cute. and sexy. and smart. and articulate. and interesting. and funny. and sweet. and i don’t really want anything except you.Permalien Classé dans: thoughts
over the weekend i went to chicago to party with angie and lily and amanda. it was fun, i loved the city lights and the rush and the subway and the skyscrapers. i miss being in a big city. we went out for stir fry and we had cupcakes and mine was cookie dough filled and we played scrabble at the cupcake place and went to the urban outfitters outlet and i didn’t find anything i liked but it was still fun. i couldn’t stop talking because i was trying to block out my anxious thoughts. but then we got really drunk and dressed up and amanda did my hair and we went out to a party and got real crazy. chicagoans do not know how to party. not like us, at least. we were so wild. i’m so happy my friends are as weird as i am. we just danced like idiots and didn’t give a fuck. it was great. we took hits from a gravity bong and amanda threw up like 13 times and we went to taco bell and none of us knew what was going on because we were so fucked up. it was so much fun that night, even though i didn’t sleep at all. then in the morning we went to the bean and had brunch at panera and it was a beautiful day. oh, i can’t even describe my love for my friends.Permalien Classé dans: thoughts
I do not like it here. I find it strange that I feel indifferent about having no friends. I just don’t care all that much. I can’t really describe it. I just find it nice to be alone. I’m not really that lonely, because I interact with a lot of people at work and in class. I just don’t have any real friends.
This school is too much. There are too many majors. Too many undergrads. Too many clubs, too many classes, too many emails in my inbox. Too much going on. I get overwhelmed by all the choices. I don’t like the rigidity of the place. Sometimes it feels kinda like high school. It’s a very cookie cutter college experience. And that is not what I want.
I need help figuring this out. I really can’t do it alone. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where I want to go. I constantly feel like I’m floating around like a leaf in a river.Permalien Classé dans: thoughts
Today there was mist in the air. Soft, white mist that swallowed up the top of the Capitol building. Campus looked so pale and fresh. I could reach up and touch the clouds.
I miss so many people. I am going home again this weekend, and I’m going to see Aaron. We’re going to spend an entire day together. I can’t wait. It will be the best day ever. I wish I could see him more than twice a month. All I really want to do is share a joint with him and then cuddle in my bed together, and then go for a drive. I am so happy whenever I am with him.
I don’t care about anything at this point in the school year. Yesterday, I waited until 4 pm to start writing a twelve page story that was due at 6 pm. I’d already had 6 days to write it. I stayed up until 4 in the morning and I still didn’t finish. I downed 1/3 liter of red wine and smoked a bowl directly before I went to work. I was literally drunk and high at work. I feel like this means I have a problem. I can’t tell if my customers at work honestly think I’m funny or if they’re just so like “what the fuck are you on” that they laugh at everything I say. Maybe both. Sometimes I can’t understand why I feel so impulsive and loopy all the time. It’s such a strange feeling. Sometimes I have so much energy and I end up doing and saying completely ridiculous things. I don’t really mean to. It just sort of happens.Permalien Classé dans: thoughts