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whitewashed
I live in a cold grey sea. This is my ocean diary.

april 12

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april 6th

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March 29th

I cannot control my mood swings and it is driving me INSANE. My God. I hate myself so much right now. I hate my brain. I just don’t know how to feel about anything. Morgan was telling me about how absolutely hopelessly in love with me he is and I was overwhelmed and I really don’t think I love him as much as he loves me, in fact I know I don’t. I’m not even positive I’m in love with him. The thought crosses my mind all the time, “I don’t think I’m actually in love with him, I don’t think this is going to last, I’m going to be the one to end this eventually” but I feel so awful thinking those things because I want to be here for him, I like the feeling of his arms around me, I like waking up next to him. But maybe I’m just in love with being loved. And that makes me hate myself. Everything feel so fake right now. I hate it! I feel like I’m floating in a limbo. Yesterday I was so angry for absolutely no reason, I was just thinking about our last night together on spring break and how he drank three quarters of a bottle of vodka and got all drunk and obnoxious and it was just the two of us and he fell asleep while we were having sex and wouldn’t fucking wake up for three and a half hours. I was just so angry about that, even though I should have gotten over it by now, but it was all I could think about all day and I kept making myself angrier and angrier and then I couldn’t figure out my physics homework and that made me angry and then I had to write that fucking reading response that I had been putting off for weeks and that made me angry and I was just so ANGRY, a feeling that I don’t experience often. And then he came all the way here and I was in a horrible mood and he had to sit there while I wrote my reading response and I was so fucking angry and I just couldn’t get out of my mood. He’s never seen me that pissed off before, and I think I made him really upset. I took him to the forest and we explored and looked at fungi and moss and leaves and all this stuff but I was just so short-tempered and horrible and non-communicative and I just couldn’t make my bad mood go away no matter what I thought about. Eventually he just sat on a boulder and rested his face on his knees and put in headphones and I sat next to him and didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say. I just felt so bad but I couldn’t stop being pissed off at everything. He was really upset. I apologized for being such a fuck but he was already upset, and there wasn’t a lot I could do about it. GOD I hate myself so much. We got stoned underneath the limnology building and he was telling me about TV shows and movies like he always does. That’s something I don’t know how to feel about. He gets so into his TV shows - he’ll start talking about an episode and explain it from beginning to end in detail, and I just don’t CARE. I don’t care about this TV show that I’ve never seen or heard of. But he just goes on and on explaining it and I can’t exactly tell him, “that’s nice but I didn’t follow anything you said and I don’t care”. I just hate this so much because when we were in DC together we never ran out of things to talk about and I had so much fun with him and there were such good vibes the whole time. And now I’m just the WORST person to be around. I feel so disconnected. I feel like I’m not even real. One day I’m on top of the world and I’m so happy and excited about the future and the next day I’m like THIS - horrible and depressed and like there is no place in the entire world where I belong. Why must I be so high and low, so black and white, such an AWFUL FUCKING HUMAN.

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March 2nd

People perceive me as a drug freak. It’s odd because people I don’t even KNOW perceive me that way. Like, Amanda was hanging out with her friends on the second floor and some guy was like, “isn’t your roommate the one who’s on acid all the time?” Or last night I went to a party at Corinne’s house and her roommate Beth was like, “So I’ve heard you do a lot of… stuff. Like… what’s acid like?” or my supervisor at work said “I don’t judge Kate while she’s at work… I just judge her because of what she does outside of work” and raised his eyebrows at me. Or every time I see Tamur he’s like “are you high Lord Kake?” People ask me that question a lot actually. My RA always gives me scathing looks when I come back to the dorm late at night, and Katie from our floor was like “do you have a lighter? cause I thought you’d be the best person to ask” and Cat was like “I wanna try a pot brownie and I figured you would know where to get them” and I don’t really even TALK to these people. It’s just… I don’t know, I feel like people get the wrong idea about me, that all I ever do or talk about is drugs, and that’s so untrue, but I also kind of like it because it makes me feel mysterious and dangerous to some degree and I like that. But it’s mostly just off-putting.

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i can’t get you off my mind. i want to cuddle with you in my bed all day long. i want to kiss you on your cheek, and your forehead, and your nose, and your lips. i want to kiss you hard. really hard. i want you to hold me tight in your arms. i want you to stroke my hair. i want you to run your hands all over me. i want you to pull me close. i want you to bite my neck. i want you to pin me down. i want you to pin me up against a wall. i want you to pull my hair. i want to fall asleep with you. i want you to hold me while we sleep. i want you so much. you’re so cute. and sexy. and smart. and articulate. and interesting. and funny. and sweet. and i don’t really want anything except you.

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over the weekend i went to chicago to party with angie and lily and amanda. it was fun, i loved the city lights and the rush and the subway and the skyscrapers. i miss being in a big city. we went out for stir fry and we had cupcakes and mine was cookie dough filled and we played scrabble at the cupcake place and went to the urban outfitters outlet and i didn’t find anything i liked but it was still fun. i couldn’t stop talking because i was trying to block out my anxious thoughts. but then we got really drunk and dressed up and amanda did my hair and we went out to a party and got real crazy. chicagoans do not know how to party. not like us, at least. we were so wild. i’m so happy my friends are as weird as i am. we just danced like idiots and didn’t give a fuck. it was great. we took hits from a gravity bong and amanda threw up like 13 times and we went to taco bell and none of us knew what was going on because we were so fucked up. it was so much fun that night, even though i didn’t sleep at all. then in the morning we went to the bean and had brunch at panera and it was a beautiful day. oh, i can’t even describe my love for my friends.

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january 15

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